Recently I had the pleasure to get to compete to be the 2013 Mr. San Francisco Leather. I came in 1st runner up, and while I am, of course, disappointed I didn't win, after taking some time to reflect on things, I have realized that what I gained from competing is worth far more than any title could have been.
In previous posts I have touched on the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father growing up, and while there was some physical components to it, the worst of it was psychological. I grew up thinking I didn't have much worth. I didn't feel I deserved to be happy, and was always afraid of people who were nice to me just for the sake of being nice. However all that changed while getting ready for the contest.
Several men and women in the community offered their knowledge, expertise, and time to help me prepare for no other reason than the fact that they wanted to see me do well. I had mentors who helped me on every step of the way that I know without them, I wouldn't have been able to do as well as I did. I had someone helping me get my application together and getting my sponsorship together, someone who helped quiz me on things I needed to know for my interview, someone to help review and critique my selection of clothing for the weekend, someone to review what I wanted to say in my speech, someone to help groom my public demeanor, and after it was all over, and I was worried I had let them all down by not winning, I was instead met with such praise for my performance that I was at a loss for words.
I had never felt such overwhelming and unconditional love as I had from the leather community that weekend, and I realized at that point that I had, through my preparations, allowed myself to lower my guard. I now know how to let people love me and how to express my gratitude to other people, and more importantly I have positive role models in my life. I have men older than myself who have mentored me and continue to be there for me, who, now almost fill the father figure role I never had, and have already made me feel more loved.
And after all this, for the first time in my life, I am starting to truly believe that I deserve to be happy. That I deserve to be able to love people and receive their love. I am so very blessed to have had this experience and to have met so many wonderful people and am excited to see how my life continues to unfold now thanks to their influence.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Google vs Porn
Has Google decided it knows what's best for us? Does the world's largest search engine think that even when we tell it we are okay with explicit or adult related search results that we really didn't want to see that, or are they, like so many, bending to the idea that they don't want "the children" to look up porn on computers (neverminding that you can still set your Google settings to filter explicit content and lock those settings in place, thus keeping children from viewing them)
It seems that this has been the case. Occasionally I'll be in the position of needing to look up photos of colleges in the industry when talking about them with friends to either show them who they are or remind them, or in some cases I find myself looking up photos of other men in the industry when looking for photos to show people what I'm trying to obtain with my body. Over the last few months, however, I'm finding it has become harder and harder to get the results from my image search that I'm looking for, and it wasn't until this morning when a friend of mine did a Yahoo image search that I found the results there to be much more appropriate to the search we were doing.
Take for example Adam Killian. Google gives us results like this:
As you can see, not all the images in the top results are even him, and most of the photos showing aren't that pornographic, just a few showing his butt crack.
Now on a Yahoo search, I get this:
This time the results are much more accurate. All photos of him, some very pornographic.
It becomes even more obvious the less super star status the person has gotten close to obtaining. Take for example a still well known porn actor, Leo Forte on google:
and on Yahoo:
As you can again see here we've been censored out. I have made certain that my options do not tell Google to filter explicit results, and so this does not seem to be a case of settings, but more a reason for me to change search engines to one that doesn't feel the need to tell us that the internet isn't really for porn.
It seems that this has been the case. Occasionally I'll be in the position of needing to look up photos of colleges in the industry when talking about them with friends to either show them who they are or remind them, or in some cases I find myself looking up photos of other men in the industry when looking for photos to show people what I'm trying to obtain with my body. Over the last few months, however, I'm finding it has become harder and harder to get the results from my image search that I'm looking for, and it wasn't until this morning when a friend of mine did a Yahoo image search that I found the results there to be much more appropriate to the search we were doing.
Take for example Adam Killian. Google gives us results like this:
As you can see, not all the images in the top results are even him, and most of the photos showing aren't that pornographic, just a few showing his butt crack.
Now on a Yahoo search, I get this:
This time the results are much more accurate. All photos of him, some very pornographic.
It becomes even more obvious the less super star status the person has gotten close to obtaining. Take for example a still well known porn actor, Leo Forte on google:
and on Yahoo:
As you can again see here we've been censored out. I have made certain that my options do not tell Google to filter explicit results, and so this does not seem to be a case of settings, but more a reason for me to change search engines to one that doesn't feel the need to tell us that the internet isn't really for porn.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
What makes a porn star?
Over the year since moving to San Francisco, and in my interactions with many actors in the industry, I frequently hear the phrase that the era of the true porn stars is dead. That men such as Jeff Stryker no longer exist, and the potential to become a household name in the porn industry no longer exists due to the explosion of the industry and all the opportunities for anyone to start into it and also due to anyone who has shot one scene suddenly referring to themselves as a porn star.
It's lead me to consider, what makes someone a star in this industry? Are there mile markers that can be used to determine if someone has attained star status, or do we know now that they're a star if we remember them after they've completed the main cannon of their work? I've looked through the men I used to get off to all the time prior to getting into the industry, men such as Johnny Hazzard, Eddie Stone, and Brent Everett, and while some are still working, they all have the same theme of being men that worked in the industry while porn was primarily on DVD. Not many names come to mind as being the big names in the internet era of porn.
While there are a few that have attained that same status through their online presence, men such as Spencer Reed or Austin Wilde, there aren't the same number of major stars today as there once were. It seems to me, that staying power has a lot to do with your ability to really define yourself as a star. Both of these men have a large volume of work, but more importantly than the number of scenes they've been in, they also have produced them over the course of several years. Having done so makes them recognizable names and faces when they come up later on.
There are those who have suggested that once you've had your genitals cast and made into a dildo that is mass produced and sold that you've made it, however when I try to search online for companies doing this, the market for that seems to have dried up to a degree as well, perhaps as a side effect of our tendency now to be done seeing a porn boy before he even has the chance to have his dick made into a mold. Also, when you walk into the porn shops in Castro, at least, most of the porn star molded penises are still from the DVD era. You see Johnny Hazzard, Brandon Lee, Eddie Stone, Arpad Miklos, but I haven't yet found much from the modern stars. I don't see, for example, a Marc Dylan penis being sold locally.
Others have said that once you've made it to the cover of a DVD you're a star. This, to me, seems an incorrect assumption as well. It may mean you were the best suited for that particular title to sell the movie, but it doesn't mean you've become that household name that people will recognize in the porn world. Also the more porn goes online, and the less is sold on DVD, the less likely this can be used as a measure of your stardom.
I don't ask these questions to know if I am a star (I don't consider myself to have attained that status) but more to put things into perspective. Are my friends right? Is the era of the porn star over? What measures would any of you use to determine if your favorite actors have the honor of being considered stars?
It's lead me to consider, what makes someone a star in this industry? Are there mile markers that can be used to determine if someone has attained star status, or do we know now that they're a star if we remember them after they've completed the main cannon of their work? I've looked through the men I used to get off to all the time prior to getting into the industry, men such as Johnny Hazzard, Eddie Stone, and Brent Everett, and while some are still working, they all have the same theme of being men that worked in the industry while porn was primarily on DVD. Not many names come to mind as being the big names in the internet era of porn.
While there are a few that have attained that same status through their online presence, men such as Spencer Reed or Austin Wilde, there aren't the same number of major stars today as there once were. It seems to me, that staying power has a lot to do with your ability to really define yourself as a star. Both of these men have a large volume of work, but more importantly than the number of scenes they've been in, they also have produced them over the course of several years. Having done so makes them recognizable names and faces when they come up later on.
There are those who have suggested that once you've had your genitals cast and made into a dildo that is mass produced and sold that you've made it, however when I try to search online for companies doing this, the market for that seems to have dried up to a degree as well, perhaps as a side effect of our tendency now to be done seeing a porn boy before he even has the chance to have his dick made into a mold. Also, when you walk into the porn shops in Castro, at least, most of the porn star molded penises are still from the DVD era. You see Johnny Hazzard, Brandon Lee, Eddie Stone, Arpad Miklos, but I haven't yet found much from the modern stars. I don't see, for example, a Marc Dylan penis being sold locally.
Others have said that once you've made it to the cover of a DVD you're a star. This, to me, seems an incorrect assumption as well. It may mean you were the best suited for that particular title to sell the movie, but it doesn't mean you've become that household name that people will recognize in the porn world. Also the more porn goes online, and the less is sold on DVD, the less likely this can be used as a measure of your stardom.
I don't ask these questions to know if I am a star (I don't consider myself to have attained that status) but more to put things into perspective. Are my friends right? Is the era of the porn star over? What measures would any of you use to determine if your favorite actors have the honor of being considered stars?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
On Politics
I like to consider myself one of the independent voters that every four years the leading men from the two major political parties likes to try to appeal to in order that I'll turn out at the voting booths and vote for them to be the next leader of the country. I watch the debates, I look at their records, I judge their personality, and not matter what my impression of the candidate running for re-election, I still judge his competition to make sure that he's still the better man for the job.
This year, I'm almost sad to say, that my decision has been made before the candidates ever faced off at the debates. Mitt Romney has proven this week to be, without a doubt, someone completely out of touch with the common person in this country after the release of his speech made at a fundraising event earlier this year.
During this event, he stated that 47% of this country doesn't pay taxes (this is true) and that these people depend on an entitlement state (this is not completely true) they will never support him (also not entirely true) and he has no reason to care about them. He advised that these people need to take responsibility for their own lives, and that his real focus ought to be on the 7% of voters in this country who he perceives makes up the independent voter block.
I am one of those people he is trying to woo. I am also one of those people who, for at least the last few years, falls into that 47% of people who haven't paid an income tax. I'm not evading my responsibilities on this matter, but simply due to how our tax system works I have not been required to pay, and each year when I file my taxes, I get back the taxes I paid into the system. A few years it was because special student credits allowed me to get everything back. Before that, I made too little, and was considered at an income level that didn't require me to make an income tax payment. Before that, even, my record keeping of all the charity donations I made year to year gave me so many deductions that I was considered tax exempt.
Mitt Romney also spoke in his speech that people in that 47% of America block feel they are entitled to food, housing, and health care. I would say that yes, I do feel like these are things everyone, not just me, deserve, and since systems have been set up to help those going through hard patches.
Back in April last year, I ended up in a situation wherein I lost my regular job. I worked for the Federal Government, but when the Republicans took over congress and started threatening to shut down the government, my department started laying off almost everyone then employed in the state. I was left, as a result of his party's doing, to my own devices. On top of that, I got a letter advising me that I would no longer be eligible for additional student loans I would need to finish the final few courses of my bachelor's degree. I was left on my own, jobless, no degree, and with minimal savings to try to may my way. Because of how my job was positioned, I was ineligible for unemployment, and so had to live out of my savings.
I came to live with a good, long-time friend in San Francisco while trying to get back on my feet, and while here, for a month or two, I took advantage of government food stamps so I could make sure I had food on the table while looking for work.
I was one of those, not paying taxes, taking advantage of government entitlement programs, and yet, still trying to work myself into a better life. Mitt Romney proved to me, that he knows nothing of the life of people like me. His interests aren't in helping people like me make a better future, and even if he were, he has no idea what it would take for that to happen. He's been too sheltered from poverty and need to know what its like. (This became obvious when I also found out that he thinks that a middle-class family makes $250k a year, a figure I've never seen)
If any of you are still trying to consider who you will be voting for this election, I encourage you to reflect on the revelations made recently, and consider if this man really does have your best interests at heart. Fact is he likely doesn't. Even if you disagree with Obama, he at least has made a more concerted effort to understand your life, and do something to help you rather than simply dismiss you as someone he doesn't need to care about.
This year, I'm almost sad to say, that my decision has been made before the candidates ever faced off at the debates. Mitt Romney has proven this week to be, without a doubt, someone completely out of touch with the common person in this country after the release of his speech made at a fundraising event earlier this year.
During this event, he stated that 47% of this country doesn't pay taxes (this is true) and that these people depend on an entitlement state (this is not completely true) they will never support him (also not entirely true) and he has no reason to care about them. He advised that these people need to take responsibility for their own lives, and that his real focus ought to be on the 7% of voters in this country who he perceives makes up the independent voter block.
I am one of those people he is trying to woo. I am also one of those people who, for at least the last few years, falls into that 47% of people who haven't paid an income tax. I'm not evading my responsibilities on this matter, but simply due to how our tax system works I have not been required to pay, and each year when I file my taxes, I get back the taxes I paid into the system. A few years it was because special student credits allowed me to get everything back. Before that, I made too little, and was considered at an income level that didn't require me to make an income tax payment. Before that, even, my record keeping of all the charity donations I made year to year gave me so many deductions that I was considered tax exempt.
Mitt Romney also spoke in his speech that people in that 47% of America block feel they are entitled to food, housing, and health care. I would say that yes, I do feel like these are things everyone, not just me, deserve, and since systems have been set up to help those going through hard patches.
Back in April last year, I ended up in a situation wherein I lost my regular job. I worked for the Federal Government, but when the Republicans took over congress and started threatening to shut down the government, my department started laying off almost everyone then employed in the state. I was left, as a result of his party's doing, to my own devices. On top of that, I got a letter advising me that I would no longer be eligible for additional student loans I would need to finish the final few courses of my bachelor's degree. I was left on my own, jobless, no degree, and with minimal savings to try to may my way. Because of how my job was positioned, I was ineligible for unemployment, and so had to live out of my savings.
I came to live with a good, long-time friend in San Francisco while trying to get back on my feet, and while here, for a month or two, I took advantage of government food stamps so I could make sure I had food on the table while looking for work.
I was one of those, not paying taxes, taking advantage of government entitlement programs, and yet, still trying to work myself into a better life. Mitt Romney proved to me, that he knows nothing of the life of people like me. His interests aren't in helping people like me make a better future, and even if he were, he has no idea what it would take for that to happen. He's been too sheltered from poverty and need to know what its like. (This became obvious when I also found out that he thinks that a middle-class family makes $250k a year, a figure I've never seen)
If any of you are still trying to consider who you will be voting for this election, I encourage you to reflect on the revelations made recently, and consider if this man really does have your best interests at heart. Fact is he likely doesn't. Even if you disagree with Obama, he at least has made a more concerted effort to understand your life, and do something to help you rather than simply dismiss you as someone he doesn't need to care about.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Bound Gods Live Show
Van instructed me prior to the shoot not to go into this during the live show if it came up, so while I was having a breakthrough during that shoot, not entirely unlike Troy was, I knew both for the sake of the show as well as myself not to go into it live on camera.
Here's some background that some of you may know already about me. I grew up in a house where I was both physically and mentally abused, and I've spent a lot of time in therapy for it. I have adjusted very well from it and am able to easily talk about it, however for years I've still been carrying it around with me, and until this scene, I wasn't able to figure out why it still weighed on me as heavily as it does.
I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me, and who was also going through the same abuse. At about age 15, I stood up to my father, and the physical portion of the abuse at least stopped. The relationship was and has remained irreconcialable, but at least it wasn't getting worse. However, I ignored what was going on to her, and focused only on protecting myself, when, as someone older, stronger, and able of shielding her, I should have done so.
I've known that a large part of the reason I participate in BDSM is because I've felt a need to become stronger, and it wasn't until I was there, looking in his eyes while taking his beating, that I realized part of that reason is to feel like I'm able to protect others. Having that experience where I was being a shield for him, so to speak, brought up all the guilt I have been suppressing over not protecting the one person who means everything to me, my sister. Once that guilt and sadness came up, that's when I started getting emotional, but in an interesting way because I felt bad for not doing what I should have earlier, but that in a small way I was beginning to atone for that by protecting Troy.
Since this shoot, I have contacted my sister, and made a personal apology for not doing more when we were younger to help keep her safe, and its brought us closer together. It's taken me a while to get my thoughts together, and this was a very personal issue for me, but one I felt I owed it to everyone to let you know since you saw me getting teared up, but not really explaining why. Also for those who watched the after the scene interview, it explains why watching him take the beating was the most painful part of the day. I had started associating that scenario to ones from my childhood, but this time, I was able to do things differently, and that is the miracle of BDSM. It allows us to confront our deamons head-on, and to change the outcomes from where we left them before into something that leaves us stronger. It's allowed me to start to let go of the guilt and hatred that I've been holding on to, and put that energy into more positive avenues in life.
Here's some background that some of you may know already about me. I grew up in a house where I was both physically and mentally abused, and I've spent a lot of time in therapy for it. I have adjusted very well from it and am able to easily talk about it, however for years I've still been carrying it around with me, and until this scene, I wasn't able to figure out why it still weighed on me as heavily as it does.
I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me, and who was also going through the same abuse. At about age 15, I stood up to my father, and the physical portion of the abuse at least stopped. The relationship was and has remained irreconcialable, but at least it wasn't getting worse. However, I ignored what was going on to her, and focused only on protecting myself, when, as someone older, stronger, and able of shielding her, I should have done so.
I've known that a large part of the reason I participate in BDSM is because I've felt a need to become stronger, and it wasn't until I was there, looking in his eyes while taking his beating, that I realized part of that reason is to feel like I'm able to protect others. Having that experience where I was being a shield for him, so to speak, brought up all the guilt I have been suppressing over not protecting the one person who means everything to me, my sister. Once that guilt and sadness came up, that's when I started getting emotional, but in an interesting way because I felt bad for not doing what I should have earlier, but that in a small way I was beginning to atone for that by protecting Troy.
Since this shoot, I have contacted my sister, and made a personal apology for not doing more when we were younger to help keep her safe, and its brought us closer together. It's taken me a while to get my thoughts together, and this was a very personal issue for me, but one I felt I owed it to everyone to let you know since you saw me getting teared up, but not really explaining why. Also for those who watched the after the scene interview, it explains why watching him take the beating was the most painful part of the day. I had started associating that scenario to ones from my childhood, but this time, I was able to do things differently, and that is the miracle of BDSM. It allows us to confront our deamons head-on, and to change the outcomes from where we left them before into something that leaves us stronger. It's allowed me to start to let go of the guilt and hatred that I've been holding on to, and put that energy into more positive avenues in life.
Monday, June 11, 2012
My Tattoo
So I've had a lot of questioning regarding what my most visible tattoo (the one on my stomach) means if anything, or if its just another star like so many are prone to getting. I'm glad to say that while I did position it and design the specific star as to be aesthetically pleasing, I didn't just get it because it would look good, and in fact, I got mine long before the trend really took off as a constant reminder after my coming out of one of the most valuable lessons learned in my life.
The tattoo was inspired by a Dr. Seuss short story about the Sneetches, who all lived on a beach and some had stars on their bellies and some did not. Those who had stars looked down on those who did not, and lots of events happen until at the end, all the sneetches decide to live together regardless of if they had stars or not. I won't go into all the specifics, but YouTube has the entire story here.
The lesson I learned from the story, and applied to my life was that I should have to nor will I change myself to gain the acceptance of others. For the first 20 years of my life, I had lived as others wanted and expected me to regardless of if that is what I wanted for my own life or not, and after that long, I had gained the confidence to stand up for myself, and be who I really am. My star is that visual reminder that I see every day telling me I'm perfect as I am, and that I shouldn't have to change that to gain the approval, acceptance, or love of anyone else.
The tattoo was inspired by a Dr. Seuss short story about the Sneetches, who all lived on a beach and some had stars on their bellies and some did not. Those who had stars looked down on those who did not, and lots of events happen until at the end, all the sneetches decide to live together regardless of if they had stars or not. I won't go into all the specifics, but YouTube has the entire story here.
The lesson I learned from the story, and applied to my life was that I should have to nor will I change myself to gain the acceptance of others. For the first 20 years of my life, I had lived as others wanted and expected me to regardless of if that is what I wanted for my own life or not, and after that long, I had gained the confidence to stand up for myself, and be who I really am. My star is that visual reminder that I see every day telling me I'm perfect as I am, and that I shouldn't have to change that to gain the approval, acceptance, or love of anyone else.
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