Over the year since moving to San Francisco, and in my interactions with many actors in the industry, I frequently hear the phrase that the era of the true porn stars is dead. That men such as Jeff Stryker no longer exist, and the potential to become a household name in the porn industry no longer exists due to the explosion of the industry and all the opportunities for anyone to start into it and also due to anyone who has shot one scene suddenly referring to themselves as a porn star.
It's lead me to consider, what makes someone a star in this industry? Are there mile markers that can be used to determine if someone has attained star status, or do we know now that they're a star if we remember them after they've completed the main cannon of their work? I've looked through the men I used to get off to all the time prior to getting into the industry, men such as Johnny Hazzard, Eddie Stone, and Brent Everett, and while some are still working, they all have the same theme of being men that worked in the industry while porn was primarily on DVD. Not many names come to mind as being the big names in the internet era of porn.
While there are a few that have attained that same status through their online presence, men such as Spencer Reed or Austin Wilde, there aren't the same number of major stars today as there once were. It seems to me, that staying power has a lot to do with your ability to really define yourself as a star. Both of these men have a large volume of work, but more importantly than the number of scenes they've been in, they also have produced them over the course of several years. Having done so makes them recognizable names and faces when they come up later on.
There are those who have suggested that once you've had your genitals cast and made into a dildo that is mass produced and sold that you've made it, however when I try to search online for companies doing this, the market for that seems to have dried up to a degree as well, perhaps as a side effect of our tendency now to be done seeing a porn boy before he even has the chance to have his dick made into a mold. Also, when you walk into the porn shops in Castro, at least, most of the porn star molded penises are still from the DVD era. You see Johnny Hazzard, Brandon Lee, Eddie Stone, Arpad Miklos, but I haven't yet found much from the modern stars. I don't see, for example, a Marc Dylan penis being sold locally.
Others have said that once you've made it to the cover of a DVD you're a star. This, to me, seems an incorrect assumption as well. It may mean you were the best suited for that particular title to sell the movie, but it doesn't mean you've become that household name that people will recognize in the porn world. Also the more porn goes online, and the less is sold on DVD, the less likely this can be used as a measure of your stardom.
I don't ask these questions to know if I am a star (I don't consider myself to have attained that status) but more to put things into perspective. Are my friends right? Is the era of the porn star over? What measures would any of you use to determine if your favorite actors have the honor of being considered stars?
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
On Politics
I like to consider myself one of the independent voters that every four years the leading men from the two major political parties likes to try to appeal to in order that I'll turn out at the voting booths and vote for them to be the next leader of the country. I watch the debates, I look at their records, I judge their personality, and not matter what my impression of the candidate running for re-election, I still judge his competition to make sure that he's still the better man for the job.
This year, I'm almost sad to say, that my decision has been made before the candidates ever faced off at the debates. Mitt Romney has proven this week to be, without a doubt, someone completely out of touch with the common person in this country after the release of his speech made at a fundraising event earlier this year.
During this event, he stated that 47% of this country doesn't pay taxes (this is true) and that these people depend on an entitlement state (this is not completely true) they will never support him (also not entirely true) and he has no reason to care about them. He advised that these people need to take responsibility for their own lives, and that his real focus ought to be on the 7% of voters in this country who he perceives makes up the independent voter block.
I am one of those people he is trying to woo. I am also one of those people who, for at least the last few years, falls into that 47% of people who haven't paid an income tax. I'm not evading my responsibilities on this matter, but simply due to how our tax system works I have not been required to pay, and each year when I file my taxes, I get back the taxes I paid into the system. A few years it was because special student credits allowed me to get everything back. Before that, I made too little, and was considered at an income level that didn't require me to make an income tax payment. Before that, even, my record keeping of all the charity donations I made year to year gave me so many deductions that I was considered tax exempt.
Mitt Romney also spoke in his speech that people in that 47% of America block feel they are entitled to food, housing, and health care. I would say that yes, I do feel like these are things everyone, not just me, deserve, and since systems have been set up to help those going through hard patches.
Back in April last year, I ended up in a situation wherein I lost my regular job. I worked for the Federal Government, but when the Republicans took over congress and started threatening to shut down the government, my department started laying off almost everyone then employed in the state. I was left, as a result of his party's doing, to my own devices. On top of that, I got a letter advising me that I would no longer be eligible for additional student loans I would need to finish the final few courses of my bachelor's degree. I was left on my own, jobless, no degree, and with minimal savings to try to may my way. Because of how my job was positioned, I was ineligible for unemployment, and so had to live out of my savings.
I came to live with a good, long-time friend in San Francisco while trying to get back on my feet, and while here, for a month or two, I took advantage of government food stamps so I could make sure I had food on the table while looking for work.
I was one of those, not paying taxes, taking advantage of government entitlement programs, and yet, still trying to work myself into a better life. Mitt Romney proved to me, that he knows nothing of the life of people like me. His interests aren't in helping people like me make a better future, and even if he were, he has no idea what it would take for that to happen. He's been too sheltered from poverty and need to know what its like. (This became obvious when I also found out that he thinks that a middle-class family makes $250k a year, a figure I've never seen)
If any of you are still trying to consider who you will be voting for this election, I encourage you to reflect on the revelations made recently, and consider if this man really does have your best interests at heart. Fact is he likely doesn't. Even if you disagree with Obama, he at least has made a more concerted effort to understand your life, and do something to help you rather than simply dismiss you as someone he doesn't need to care about.
This year, I'm almost sad to say, that my decision has been made before the candidates ever faced off at the debates. Mitt Romney has proven this week to be, without a doubt, someone completely out of touch with the common person in this country after the release of his speech made at a fundraising event earlier this year.
During this event, he stated that 47% of this country doesn't pay taxes (this is true) and that these people depend on an entitlement state (this is not completely true) they will never support him (also not entirely true) and he has no reason to care about them. He advised that these people need to take responsibility for their own lives, and that his real focus ought to be on the 7% of voters in this country who he perceives makes up the independent voter block.
I am one of those people he is trying to woo. I am also one of those people who, for at least the last few years, falls into that 47% of people who haven't paid an income tax. I'm not evading my responsibilities on this matter, but simply due to how our tax system works I have not been required to pay, and each year when I file my taxes, I get back the taxes I paid into the system. A few years it was because special student credits allowed me to get everything back. Before that, I made too little, and was considered at an income level that didn't require me to make an income tax payment. Before that, even, my record keeping of all the charity donations I made year to year gave me so many deductions that I was considered tax exempt.
Mitt Romney also spoke in his speech that people in that 47% of America block feel they are entitled to food, housing, and health care. I would say that yes, I do feel like these are things everyone, not just me, deserve, and since systems have been set up to help those going through hard patches.
Back in April last year, I ended up in a situation wherein I lost my regular job. I worked for the Federal Government, but when the Republicans took over congress and started threatening to shut down the government, my department started laying off almost everyone then employed in the state. I was left, as a result of his party's doing, to my own devices. On top of that, I got a letter advising me that I would no longer be eligible for additional student loans I would need to finish the final few courses of my bachelor's degree. I was left on my own, jobless, no degree, and with minimal savings to try to may my way. Because of how my job was positioned, I was ineligible for unemployment, and so had to live out of my savings.
I came to live with a good, long-time friend in San Francisco while trying to get back on my feet, and while here, for a month or two, I took advantage of government food stamps so I could make sure I had food on the table while looking for work.
I was one of those, not paying taxes, taking advantage of government entitlement programs, and yet, still trying to work myself into a better life. Mitt Romney proved to me, that he knows nothing of the life of people like me. His interests aren't in helping people like me make a better future, and even if he were, he has no idea what it would take for that to happen. He's been too sheltered from poverty and need to know what its like. (This became obvious when I also found out that he thinks that a middle-class family makes $250k a year, a figure I've never seen)
If any of you are still trying to consider who you will be voting for this election, I encourage you to reflect on the revelations made recently, and consider if this man really does have your best interests at heart. Fact is he likely doesn't. Even if you disagree with Obama, he at least has made a more concerted effort to understand your life, and do something to help you rather than simply dismiss you as someone he doesn't need to care about.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Bound Gods Live Show
Van instructed me prior to the shoot not to go into this during the live show if it came up, so while I was having a breakthrough during that shoot, not entirely unlike Troy was, I knew both for the sake of the show as well as myself not to go into it live on camera.
Here's some background that some of you may know already about me. I grew up in a house where I was both physically and mentally abused, and I've spent a lot of time in therapy for it. I have adjusted very well from it and am able to easily talk about it, however for years I've still been carrying it around with me, and until this scene, I wasn't able to figure out why it still weighed on me as heavily as it does.
I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me, and who was also going through the same abuse. At about age 15, I stood up to my father, and the physical portion of the abuse at least stopped. The relationship was and has remained irreconcialable, but at least it wasn't getting worse. However, I ignored what was going on to her, and focused only on protecting myself, when, as someone older, stronger, and able of shielding her, I should have done so.
I've known that a large part of the reason I participate in BDSM is because I've felt a need to become stronger, and it wasn't until I was there, looking in his eyes while taking his beating, that I realized part of that reason is to feel like I'm able to protect others. Having that experience where I was being a shield for him, so to speak, brought up all the guilt I have been suppressing over not protecting the one person who means everything to me, my sister. Once that guilt and sadness came up, that's when I started getting emotional, but in an interesting way because I felt bad for not doing what I should have earlier, but that in a small way I was beginning to atone for that by protecting Troy.
Since this shoot, I have contacted my sister, and made a personal apology for not doing more when we were younger to help keep her safe, and its brought us closer together. It's taken me a while to get my thoughts together, and this was a very personal issue for me, but one I felt I owed it to everyone to let you know since you saw me getting teared up, but not really explaining why. Also for those who watched the after the scene interview, it explains why watching him take the beating was the most painful part of the day. I had started associating that scenario to ones from my childhood, but this time, I was able to do things differently, and that is the miracle of BDSM. It allows us to confront our deamons head-on, and to change the outcomes from where we left them before into something that leaves us stronger. It's allowed me to start to let go of the guilt and hatred that I've been holding on to, and put that energy into more positive avenues in life.
Here's some background that some of you may know already about me. I grew up in a house where I was both physically and mentally abused, and I've spent a lot of time in therapy for it. I have adjusted very well from it and am able to easily talk about it, however for years I've still been carrying it around with me, and until this scene, I wasn't able to figure out why it still weighed on me as heavily as it does.
I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me, and who was also going through the same abuse. At about age 15, I stood up to my father, and the physical portion of the abuse at least stopped. The relationship was and has remained irreconcialable, but at least it wasn't getting worse. However, I ignored what was going on to her, and focused only on protecting myself, when, as someone older, stronger, and able of shielding her, I should have done so.
I've known that a large part of the reason I participate in BDSM is because I've felt a need to become stronger, and it wasn't until I was there, looking in his eyes while taking his beating, that I realized part of that reason is to feel like I'm able to protect others. Having that experience where I was being a shield for him, so to speak, brought up all the guilt I have been suppressing over not protecting the one person who means everything to me, my sister. Once that guilt and sadness came up, that's when I started getting emotional, but in an interesting way because I felt bad for not doing what I should have earlier, but that in a small way I was beginning to atone for that by protecting Troy.
Since this shoot, I have contacted my sister, and made a personal apology for not doing more when we were younger to help keep her safe, and its brought us closer together. It's taken me a while to get my thoughts together, and this was a very personal issue for me, but one I felt I owed it to everyone to let you know since you saw me getting teared up, but not really explaining why. Also for those who watched the after the scene interview, it explains why watching him take the beating was the most painful part of the day. I had started associating that scenario to ones from my childhood, but this time, I was able to do things differently, and that is the miracle of BDSM. It allows us to confront our deamons head-on, and to change the outcomes from where we left them before into something that leaves us stronger. It's allowed me to start to let go of the guilt and hatred that I've been holding on to, and put that energy into more positive avenues in life.
Monday, June 11, 2012
My Tattoo
So I've had a lot of questioning regarding what my most visible tattoo (the one on my stomach) means if anything, or if its just another star like so many are prone to getting. I'm glad to say that while I did position it and design the specific star as to be aesthetically pleasing, I didn't just get it because it would look good, and in fact, I got mine long before the trend really took off as a constant reminder after my coming out of one of the most valuable lessons learned in my life.
The tattoo was inspired by a Dr. Seuss short story about the Sneetches, who all lived on a beach and some had stars on their bellies and some did not. Those who had stars looked down on those who did not, and lots of events happen until at the end, all the sneetches decide to live together regardless of if they had stars or not. I won't go into all the specifics, but YouTube has the entire story here.
The lesson I learned from the story, and applied to my life was that I should have to nor will I change myself to gain the acceptance of others. For the first 20 years of my life, I had lived as others wanted and expected me to regardless of if that is what I wanted for my own life or not, and after that long, I had gained the confidence to stand up for myself, and be who I really am. My star is that visual reminder that I see every day telling me I'm perfect as I am, and that I shouldn't have to change that to gain the approval, acceptance, or love of anyone else.
The tattoo was inspired by a Dr. Seuss short story about the Sneetches, who all lived on a beach and some had stars on their bellies and some did not. Those who had stars looked down on those who did not, and lots of events happen until at the end, all the sneetches decide to live together regardless of if they had stars or not. I won't go into all the specifics, but YouTube has the entire story here.
The lesson I learned from the story, and applied to my life was that I should have to nor will I change myself to gain the acceptance of others. For the first 20 years of my life, I had lived as others wanted and expected me to regardless of if that is what I wanted for my own life or not, and after that long, I had gained the confidence to stand up for myself, and be who I really am. My star is that visual reminder that I see every day telling me I'm perfect as I am, and that I shouldn't have to change that to gain the approval, acceptance, or love of anyone else.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
2013 Bare Chest Calendar
Pre-orders for the 2013 Bare Chest Calendar, in which I am Mr. February, are now being taken! I'll be posting more photos and the like once they're available, however this is a great opportunity for you not only to support me, but also to support two amazing charities. Proceeds from the sale of these calendars support the AIDS Emergency Fund, and the Positive Resource Center.
Why pre-order this early you may ask? Well, not only will you get the calendar in hand before most even get to see the calendar, but every pre-ordered calendar comes hand signed by me and the rest of the men who make up this calendar, AND comes delivered to your home. (This is especially a benefit for those in the Bay Area who won't want to carry it around at the street festivals.) The calendars are at a $20 cost for one plus $5 shipping within the U.S.
Any of you interested in helping me reach my goal of personally selling 50 of these calendars, please do so by following this link. Also when ordering your calendar, be sure to make sure in the comments to put my name so that the sale can be linked to me and helping me with this goal, and also please send me an email letting me know you've done so just in case they don't count it toward my goal so I can track down your sale (that last part isn't required). tonyhunterxxx@gmail.com
Why pre-order this early you may ask? Well, not only will you get the calendar in hand before most even get to see the calendar, but every pre-ordered calendar comes hand signed by me and the rest of the men who make up this calendar, AND comes delivered to your home. (This is especially a benefit for those in the Bay Area who won't want to carry it around at the street festivals.) The calendars are at a $20 cost for one plus $5 shipping within the U.S.
Any of you interested in helping me reach my goal of personally selling 50 of these calendars, please do so by following this link. Also when ordering your calendar, be sure to make sure in the comments to put my name so that the sale can be linked to me and helping me with this goal, and also please send me an email letting me know you've done so just in case they don't count it toward my goal so I can track down your sale (that last part isn't required). tonyhunterxxx@gmail.com
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Reaching Out
Traditionally my blog posts are about things I've done or thinking that help you to get to know me better and are things that are too long to include in my Twitter feed. In a round-about way this one is similar, but rather than simply read what I have to say, I would ask that you take its message to heart and act upon it.
For over 30 years HIV and AIDS have been an issue that either directly or indirectly effect each and every person in our community. Whether it be through you personally being impacted, or by watching and being there for a friend, loved one, or family member as they come to terms with these life changing viruses. Its true that those infected with HIV are now living longer, healthier lives than they previously did, however this is not without the support of organizations aimed at helping these men and women out.
To that end, I have decided to partner with the Bare Chest Calendar in raising funds for two charity organizations aimed at helping out. First is the AIDS Emergency Fund. This organization provides money to individuals with HIV and AIDS to help them with things such as rent, utilities, and groceries. This can be especially beneficial to those who are newly infected and may not have the funds they need to both pay for life saving medications as well as take care of these basic necessities.
Secondly we are also partnered with the Positive Resource Center to help take care of the other needs that arise. These individuals help support the emotional and psychological well being of individuals with HIV/AIDS by providing counseling, support finding employment, and many other services needed to help someone with HIV rehabilitate back to having a normal life.
These along with most AIDS organizations are suffering from a lack of funds now that public interest in assisting those with HIV/AIDS has waned. I would ask that you help me out raising funds for these organizations by donating. Even a donation as small as $5 when combined with the donations from all the others who give adds up, and makes a world of difference.
The organization is tracking who the funds are raised by, so if you would like to assist me in raising these funds, please follow the steps below:
For over 30 years HIV and AIDS have been an issue that either directly or indirectly effect each and every person in our community. Whether it be through you personally being impacted, or by watching and being there for a friend, loved one, or family member as they come to terms with these life changing viruses. Its true that those infected with HIV are now living longer, healthier lives than they previously did, however this is not without the support of organizations aimed at helping these men and women out.
To that end, I have decided to partner with the Bare Chest Calendar in raising funds for two charity organizations aimed at helping out. First is the AIDS Emergency Fund. This organization provides money to individuals with HIV and AIDS to help them with things such as rent, utilities, and groceries. This can be especially beneficial to those who are newly infected and may not have the funds they need to both pay for life saving medications as well as take care of these basic necessities.
Secondly we are also partnered with the Positive Resource Center to help take care of the other needs that arise. These individuals help support the emotional and psychological well being of individuals with HIV/AIDS by providing counseling, support finding employment, and many other services needed to help someone with HIV rehabilitate back to having a normal life.
These along with most AIDS organizations are suffering from a lack of funds now that public interest in assisting those with HIV/AIDS has waned. I would ask that you help me out raising funds for these organizations by donating. Even a donation as small as $5 when combined with the donations from all the others who give adds up, and makes a world of difference.
The organization is tracking who the funds are raised by, so if you would like to assist me in raising these funds, please follow the steps below:
Step 1:
Long on here:
https://www.givedirect.org/give/givefrm.asp?CID=1397
(if you have trouble with this link, you can also log on to www.Barechest.org and click on the DONATE NOW button on the left side of the home page and then continue with step 2 below)
Long on here:
https://www.givedirect.org/give/givefrm.asp?CID=1397
(if you have trouble with this link, you can also log on to www.Barechest.org and click on the DONATE NOW button on the left side of the home page and then continue with step 2 below)
Step 2:
a. Fill out the online submission form COMPLETELY
b.In Box #2:
1. be sure to click the box indicating My donation is In Honor or In Memory of someone special
2. be sure to open the drop down window in PROGRAM AREA and click on Bare Chest Calendar
3. in the Comment Box be sure to type in Tony Hunter as the of the Finalist you're supporting
a. Fill out the online submission form COMPLETELY
b.In Box #2:
1. be sure to click the box indicating My donation is In Honor or In Memory of someone special
2. be sure to open the drop down window in PROGRAM AREA and click on Bare Chest Calendar
3. in the Comment Box be sure to type in Tony Hunter as the of the Finalist you're supporting
Step 3:
In Box 3 be sure to click in "honor of" and type in Tony Hunter in the name box and BCC FINALS in the Occasion Box
In Box 3 be sure to click in "honor of" and type in Tony Hunter in the name box and BCC FINALS in the Occasion Box
Step 4:
After completing the payment information in box 4 and hitting submit, send me an email at tonyhunterxxx@gmail.com that you've completed the online process and the amount of your donation so I can track your donation, and in case technology fails we have an accurate way to search for the missing donation.
After completing the payment information in box 4 and hitting submit, send me an email at tonyhunterxxx@gmail.com that you've completed the online process and the amount of your donation so I can track your donation, and in case technology fails we have an accurate way to search for the missing donation.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to help out.
Tony
Monday, March 5, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Bound in Public
So I finally got up the courage to watch the scene that went live on Bound in Public back on Jan 27. It took a lot for me to watch as there was a portion of the scene that was the most difficult part of any scene I have had to shoot to date; this was due to the fact that part of what happened during the scene actually triggered some very unpleasant memories of my past, that I feel I ought to write about on here, allowing you to get a better idea of who I am.
If you were to watch the video, twice there are instances wherein one of the men in the audience decides to throw their drinks on me. This is something I would have had no idea would effect me as much as it did, as well as something that wasn't listed as a yes or no option on the form that kink.com has you fill out before shooting so that they would know what your limits are. I say that to preface this so that all will know I am in no way holding Kink liable for the events, as lack of communication from my part as well as actions by non Kink employees were the cause.
The act of throwing a drink on someone is, of course, a degradation. This is a lot of what the Bound in Public shoots are about, and something that, for the most part, I have to do a lot of mental preparation in order to be a party to. Everyone has scars from their past from being picked on, being called names, etc. That's all part of growing up, and so its expected that we need to be strong in order to cope with it, even when its not something that is meant to be serious. This is why, for my first shoot, I requested that some of my close friends from here in San Francisco be involved in the scene, or at least present in the audience. I needed to know that if something happened, and I wasn't as strong as I thought, that I would have a support network there to help pull me back together so I could finish my filming, and thank god I did.
I grew up on a household wherein it was normal for my father to belittle me, call me names, and bring me down. This was in addition to the teasing I would suffer at school. I was doing very well during the scene not letting the name calling from the scene get to me, and was staying strong up until the point that the icy cold drinks were thrown on me. I can't say exactly why, but something about that triggered a memory of, perhaps, the worst part of the abuse suffered in my childhood, a part of the abuse that has caused me not to be able to live anywhere that has snow or ice anymore.
When I was about 15 my father pulled me out of bed early in the morning, threw me down the stairs that led to the back door, and shut me outside. It was early January in Salt Lake, and it had been snowing the night before, and there I was stranded in our neighborhood, wearing next to nothing, and trying to find a way to stay warm while the ice bit at my toes and the snow continued to fall around me. I honestly can't remember anything past that part of the event, even how I ended up getting back inside the house, but I do recall that it was the most traumatic part of the abuse I suffered, and was the catylist that caused me to start to take charge of my own life, and stand up to my father.
This experience, however, was not without its long term effects. I still can not see snow without associating it with that event, and even worse can not stand ice, so when these men who had been degrading me threw ice on me, I broke down. It was edited out of the final cut, but after the second drink was thrown on me, I could do nothing but sit on the floor in the middle of that bar and shiver, trying to hold back tears.
Thankfully for me, my friend Brent was there who knew about this part of my history, and had words with the director regarding it. The director, while upset that he had to say something, ended up listening to the words of my friend, and we moved on without any further issues regarding ice, and cold (in fact they intentionally used hot water for all the end parts of the video where they mop the floor with me, and where they have me scrubbing the floors)
Now, in retrospect, this experience serves to reinforce a practice I already use in my personal life when approaching BDSM scenarios, and that is how utterly important it is that your partners really know you and what you can take as a sub. This is due to the issue that my spirit was so completely broken during the scene, and I couldn't even remember what the safe word was, let alone to say it, to stop the ice from coming at me again.
On the leather pride flag, there is a red heart symbolizing that while we do acts that may seem intense, savage, and cruel to some, that there is compassion behind it all, and this is something that was lacking by the players in the scene, not due to any indifference on their part, but due to the fact that they didn't know me well enough to read my expressions, to know limits I may not now to tell them, and to know when to stop. Its a lesson I'm glad to have learned; I just wish it had been an easier one to have come to know.
If you were to watch the video, twice there are instances wherein one of the men in the audience decides to throw their drinks on me. This is something I would have had no idea would effect me as much as it did, as well as something that wasn't listed as a yes or no option on the form that kink.com has you fill out before shooting so that they would know what your limits are. I say that to preface this so that all will know I am in no way holding Kink liable for the events, as lack of communication from my part as well as actions by non Kink employees were the cause.
The act of throwing a drink on someone is, of course, a degradation. This is a lot of what the Bound in Public shoots are about, and something that, for the most part, I have to do a lot of mental preparation in order to be a party to. Everyone has scars from their past from being picked on, being called names, etc. That's all part of growing up, and so its expected that we need to be strong in order to cope with it, even when its not something that is meant to be serious. This is why, for my first shoot, I requested that some of my close friends from here in San Francisco be involved in the scene, or at least present in the audience. I needed to know that if something happened, and I wasn't as strong as I thought, that I would have a support network there to help pull me back together so I could finish my filming, and thank god I did.
I grew up on a household wherein it was normal for my father to belittle me, call me names, and bring me down. This was in addition to the teasing I would suffer at school. I was doing very well during the scene not letting the name calling from the scene get to me, and was staying strong up until the point that the icy cold drinks were thrown on me. I can't say exactly why, but something about that triggered a memory of, perhaps, the worst part of the abuse suffered in my childhood, a part of the abuse that has caused me not to be able to live anywhere that has snow or ice anymore.
When I was about 15 my father pulled me out of bed early in the morning, threw me down the stairs that led to the back door, and shut me outside. It was early January in Salt Lake, and it had been snowing the night before, and there I was stranded in our neighborhood, wearing next to nothing, and trying to find a way to stay warm while the ice bit at my toes and the snow continued to fall around me. I honestly can't remember anything past that part of the event, even how I ended up getting back inside the house, but I do recall that it was the most traumatic part of the abuse I suffered, and was the catylist that caused me to start to take charge of my own life, and stand up to my father.
This experience, however, was not without its long term effects. I still can not see snow without associating it with that event, and even worse can not stand ice, so when these men who had been degrading me threw ice on me, I broke down. It was edited out of the final cut, but after the second drink was thrown on me, I could do nothing but sit on the floor in the middle of that bar and shiver, trying to hold back tears.
Thankfully for me, my friend Brent was there who knew about this part of my history, and had words with the director regarding it. The director, while upset that he had to say something, ended up listening to the words of my friend, and we moved on without any further issues regarding ice, and cold (in fact they intentionally used hot water for all the end parts of the video where they mop the floor with me, and where they have me scrubbing the floors)
Now, in retrospect, this experience serves to reinforce a practice I already use in my personal life when approaching BDSM scenarios, and that is how utterly important it is that your partners really know you and what you can take as a sub. This is due to the issue that my spirit was so completely broken during the scene, and I couldn't even remember what the safe word was, let alone to say it, to stop the ice from coming at me again.
On the leather pride flag, there is a red heart symbolizing that while we do acts that may seem intense, savage, and cruel to some, that there is compassion behind it all, and this is something that was lacking by the players in the scene, not due to any indifference on their part, but due to the fact that they didn't know me well enough to read my expressions, to know limits I may not now to tell them, and to know when to stop. Its a lesson I'm glad to have learned; I just wish it had been an easier one to have come to know.
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