Van instructed me prior to the shoot not to go into this during the live show if it came up, so while I was having a breakthrough during that shoot, not entirely unlike Troy was, I knew both for the sake of the show as well as myself not to go into it live on camera.
Here's some background that some of you may know already about me. I grew up in a house where I was both physically and mentally abused, and I've spent a lot of time in therapy for it. I have adjusted very well from it and am able to easily talk about it, however for years I've still been carrying it around with me, and until this scene, I wasn't able to figure out why it still weighed on me as heavily as it does.
I have a sister who is 10 years younger than me, and who was also going through the same abuse. At about age 15, I stood up to my father, and the physical portion of the abuse at least stopped. The relationship was and has remained irreconcialable, but at least it wasn't getting worse. However, I ignored what was going on to her, and focused only on protecting myself, when, as someone older, stronger, and able of shielding her, I should have done so.
I've known that a large part of the reason I participate in BDSM is because I've felt a need to become stronger, and it wasn't until I was there, looking in his eyes while taking his beating, that I realized part of that reason is to feel like I'm able to protect others. Having that experience where I was being a shield for him, so to speak, brought up all the guilt I have been suppressing over not protecting the one person who means everything to me, my sister. Once that guilt and sadness came up, that's when I started getting emotional, but in an interesting way because I felt bad for not doing what I should have earlier, but that in a small way I was beginning to atone for that by protecting Troy.
Since this shoot, I have contacted my sister, and made a personal apology for not doing more when we were younger to help keep her safe, and its brought us closer together. It's taken me a while to get my thoughts together, and this was a very personal issue for me, but one I felt I owed it to everyone to let you know since you saw me getting teared up, but not really explaining why. Also for those who watched the after the scene interview, it explains why watching him take the beating was the most painful part of the day. I had started associating that scenario to ones from my childhood, but this time, I was able to do things differently, and that is the miracle of BDSM. It allows us to confront our deamons head-on, and to change the outcomes from where we left them before into something that leaves us stronger. It's allowed me to start to let go of the guilt and hatred that I've been holding on to, and put that energy into more positive avenues in life.
