Mr. SF Leather

Recently I had the pleasure to get to compete to be the 2013 Mr. San Francisco Leather.  I came in 1st runner up, and while I am, of course, disappointed I didn't win, after taking some time to reflect on things, I have realized that what I gained from competing is worth far more than any title could have been.

In previous posts I have touched on the abuse I suffered at the hands of my father growing up, and while there was some physical components to it, the worst of it was psychological.  I grew up thinking I didn't have much worth.  I didn't feel I deserved to be happy, and was always afraid of people who were nice to me just for the sake of being nice.  However all that changed while getting ready for the contest.

Several men and women in the community offered their knowledge, expertise, and time to help me prepare for no other reason than the fact that they wanted to see me do well.  I had mentors who helped me on every step of the way that I know without them, I wouldn't have been able to do as well as I did.  I had someone helping me get my application together and getting my sponsorship together, someone who helped quiz me on things I needed to know for my interview, someone to help review and critique my selection of clothing for the weekend, someone to review what I wanted to say in my speech, someone to help groom my public demeanor, and after it was all over, and I was worried I had let them all down by not winning, I was instead met with such praise for my performance that I was at a loss for words.

I had never felt such overwhelming and unconditional love as I had from the leather community that weekend, and I realized at that point that I had, through my preparations, allowed myself to lower my guard.  I now know how to let people love me and how to express my gratitude to other people, and more importantly I have positive role models in my life.  I have men older than myself who have mentored me and continue to be there for me, who, now almost fill the father figure role I never had, and have already made me feel more loved.

And after all this, for the first time in my life, I am starting to truly believe that I deserve to be happy.  That I deserve to be able to love people and receive their love.  I am so very blessed to have had this experience and to have met so many wonderful people and am excited to see how my life continues to unfold now thanks to their influence.